Monday, April 24, 2017

Establishing S h ots.

For some reason, I have this vivid childhood something- I feel like it was a dream, obviously it was a dream. But then why does it feel like a memory?

It goes like this. Suddenly, my eyes open, and I start to pitter-patter around my house. I know I must have been very young, because I was in the first house I had ever lived, and my parents were together.

I had started in my old room- maybe there was a wooden crib and maybe there wasn't, but the real anchor to this almost 30-year-old picture in my head was this small, stuffed dog. A German Shepherd named Nero, because I called him that after my grandparents' dog. 

The stuffed version of Nero had a blue, 1st place ribbon on his chest. He must have been a showdog. I have no idea where he came from.

As I pitter-pattered, I carried Nero in my hand. Room-to-room, exploring and examining the surroundings, the sound of my parents' and my big brother's voice coming in and out of focus. The part of this memory or dream or completely imagined event that makes me question its validity is the credits.

A first-person perspective, establishing shot, and credits rolling purposefully in yellow letters across the bottom. No memory of what they said, perhaps something like "and introducing Tee". 

That would be me, and this has since been the perceivable start to my life. The beginning of a film from a third person perspective, with a running time of however long. 

Here I am.

xo, Tee.

Tuesday, December 16, 2014

L i t tle T h ings.

I want to blog again. But I always seem to be stuck.

Re-reading some of my old posts the other day made me realize that I always write about the same things. The worst part is that these things are things that I dislike about my life. Even more terrifying, as indicated by the timeline of my previous posts, these things have been bothering me for a very long time. 

So now, I want to tell my "voice" to grow up. The only crappy relationship I would like to address now for the first (and hopefully last) time is the one I have with myself.

What I needed previously and still need to find for real, is my self-respect. My esteem. My ability to just "be". 

And these are my new principles for blogging. No angst-fuelled rambles. Just life, as it is from day-to-day. It's time to take control, and indulge in all experiences, whether they be big or small   (someone brings you kiwiis in an attempt to make your day brighter. Definitely worked).

If only I could bottle such a mantra and take it out to have a sip every once and a while.

Tuesday, July 15, 2014

Purging- A L i st.

- Less Facebook posts
- Less junk articles (no money to pay for extra data; see first item)
- Less obsessive phone-checking (see first two items; besides, your relationship with your phone is now borderline unhealthy anyway)
- Less falling asleep with the computer on (studies show this is terrible for your sleep)
- Less impulsive spending
- Less jaw-clenching
- Less ranting about your relationship
- Less taking work personally
- Less photos of your face, or your cat's face (with the imperative for more photos of the world around you- for posterity and the appreciation of your life)
- Less nail-painting (yikes.)
- Less hair-washing (double-yikes)
- Less fear of the future unknown
- Less comparison of your physical appearance to others (nearly impossible)
- Less dread of getting out of bed in the morning
- Less wish-making at 11:11 (for wishes you are too lazy/stupid/intimidated to help make come true)
- Less fidgeting while listening
- Less sugar (obviously)
- Less cynicism
- Less assumption
- Less discontent
- Less fear of losing control.

- T.

Monday, December 2, 2013

101 Ways to Deal With Disappointment

I would definitely be the biggest liar if I said that as a  person in her mid-twenties I have learned everything about who I am and am entirely confident about it. I know there are many people who maybe don't feel the same, and if this is true I am envious. I have found that trying to reach that end-all, be-all of solidifying my identity in this life has been a consistent struggle.

And you know, I used to feel angsty about this, wondering why in my twenties I should be as stunted as a fifteen-year-old, feeling confused, awkward and much of the time alone. Cue the Taylor Swift and let me daydream about Edward Cullen or whatever it is these days. And shamefully, it took me up until very recently to figure out that actually, the secret to this continuous internal battle really does come in the form of the redundant, cliche and somewhat simplistic notion of being yourself. I also realized recently, through a series of both successes and disappointments, that the most important component to being yourself is to also know yourself.

And yes, this all seems like common sense to anyone with half of a brain (which I never implied to have). Because we have been thrown this phrase all our lives, in every medium and by practically every person ever. For every possible life problem, this is always the proposed solution, like a magic wand that with one sweep can take ALL the lame away.

BUT, when someone tells you to "be yourself", it becomes counterintuitive because someone else is telling you how you should be, without knowing what your "self" is. Only you can determine what your "self" is.

So then it follows that being yourself is actually just to know yourself; and in knowing yourself, it literally doesn't matter how others perceive you. This of course doesn't hold in particular situations in which social standards are implemented, as in with work, etc. But DUH once again as long as you know who are at all times, you never need to truly lose yourself in lieu of these things.

The flip side is that, if you DO allow outside influences to dictate who and what you are, you risk believing in things about you that aren't even true! I have had people tell me I am incapable, I am inadequate, even that I am selfish (which, let it not go unsaid, everyone actually IS to various degrees). And the difference between how it affected me before and how it affects me now, is that I realize that I KNOW I am certain things and not other things.

The point is that it took a very long time for all of this to come to me naturally. I have absolutely allowed so many times what people have said, thought or implied about me outweigh what I already know to be true about myself. And to come to a point in life where such a phenomenon is laugh-able has brought me that much closer to being my true self. So YA, just KNOW it and BE it and all that because the alternative is just plain dumb.

And now let me blog about things that have nothing to with boys or other such sad musings.


T. xoxo.

Sunday, January 6, 2013

2013 and We're Still Here

And so, because watching indie films on Netflix+ a bottle of wine + cleaning out one's closet equals a brief moment of clarity, I will finally be composing a blog entry that has been about six days in the works. As in, I wanted to say something profound regarding New Year's, but ended up not for various reasons such as:

a) writing and then realizing it was shit.
b) other people reading it and realizing it was shit (which, eff you, my resolution for this blog is to just write what's really there, sans sugar-coating)
c) being in situations where although my brain is thinking about writing, my body is physically unable to conduct such a feat at the time.

To be honest, my intentions for how to proceed with the New Year are very vague and not really itemized. Typically, I am one to take every opportunity for new beginnings, with things like my birthday becoming pinnacles for new progressions towards self-improvement and a change in attitude that will eventually make me happier. This is manifested in a literal list, written in one of my many notebooks, and of course never reflected upon again until it is too late.

This year I haven't written down a single ambition. In a culture where we typically endeavour to lose weight, make more money, find true love and harness the meaning of happiness on a year-to-year basis, I have only decided that I need to be more of me, in every way I know how. Five days in and it's already been hard, but in this brief moment of clarity, I feel (and hope) that it's just around the corner.

- T.

Wednesday, December 19, 2012

The Night Owl and The Brief Boys of Our Lives.

It's weird, most nights I figure I can't sleep because I'm stressed or depressed. And yet, tonight, although I do have some things weighing on my mind, I can't sleep because I am enthusiastic about myself, and generally happy with life despite everything.

I know so many of my blog posts are either vague or superficial, and that's because I want to tell you all about me without giving too much away. Seriously, I know, this doesn't make any sense because a blog is meant to not even be shared, but

And so, that is how I will try to approach it from now on.

In late September, I ended a two-year relationship. Like, REALLY ended it. Things were about a year past being frustrating, and though I tried very hard to remedy the feeling, I felt stuck. At a "dead-end" to be the most generic and unoriginal as possible. I told him to give me back my apartment keys and leave. And so he did, and never looked back. The only time I saw him after that, he had his headphones in and stared at me blankly as he so often did, giving me back my copy of "Love Actually" in exchange for a frozen rat he had left in my freezer the day we had broken up.

Most people I have told about this found it weird that there was no official "this is the end" moment. The truth is (as he likely wouldn't have told anyone), is that we had this moment once before already. That, and also that we had already said so much in previous "debates", that there was nothing left to say.

I feel slightly terrible to say it, and realize I SOUND like a sick fuck to say it, I felt a tremendous sense of relief when he threw the keys down on the table. Something inside me said that this was the end of some sort of era, not of the relationship itself but of me as a person. I can't say exactly what that means yet, but since late September I have learned too many lessons about myself in relation to the way I conduct my romantic relationships. Things I never would have figured out if I really did go through with marriage and settling down in a couple of years, which is sincerely where I thought my life was headed.

Since then, I have experimented in few ways with how I decide to indulge in romantic relations with others. That is to say, none of them could actually be considered romantic thus far, as the wide world offers an array of shitty hands dealt to that generation of twenty-somethings people are now paying attention to and being fascinated by (and trust me, it can be a fucking jungle).

So far, I have been:

1. Confused by the phenomenon of the Hey-come-over-and-I'll-make-you-dinner-and-tea endeavour, which, after many renditions finally climaxes with what one would call a "Happy Ending" (and not the fairytale kind, see what I did there?), becomes a case of "oh fuck, you actually dig me? yeah...I think I left my oven on".

2. Confused by the one-night-only-but-let-me-have-your-number phenomenon which turned into a thing, but not a total thing, until it became a complicated thing and then not a thing at all. Like a literal cease in communication.

3. Confused by the I'm-going-to-slowly-integrate-you-into-my-life-and-visit-you-all-the-time-and-whisper-sweet-nothings-in-your-ear-but-dude-I-don't-want-us-lock-ourselves-down phenomenon which is actually the most fun I have had so far but am still experiencing due to my own idiocy, apparently.

Despite each of these being hideous, nightmarish scenarios in their own right, it's becoming easier for me to realize that these sorts of things, this aspect of my life, is not the end-all and be-all of ME. Enjoying myself as just myself and remembering how fun it is to hang with my friends above all Lameosaurs has taught me that.

On the flip-side, in "The Perks of Being a Wallflower", Charlie's teacher explains "we accept the love we think we deserve". Could the above examples of my recent experiences be telling me that maybe I'm only enduring what I think I deserve? How do you know what you DO deserve? I keep telling myself that I deserve as much as I have to give.

...and really, that's a lot more than I have received so far.


Friday, November 2, 2012

This Month.


One Dreamy McDreamerson and a birthday cake.


One party of irresponsible, British teenagers? Well, not quite. But you know what I mean.





Love, T.