.M o a r Than a Wo m an.

For some reason, I have this vivid childhood something - I feel like it was a dream, obviously it was a dream. But then why does it feel like a memory? It goes like this. Suddenly, my eyes open, and I start to pitter-patter around my house. I know I must have been very young, because I was in the first house I had ever lived, and my parents were together. I had started in my old room- maybe there was a wooden crib and maybe there wasn't, but the real anchor to this almost 30-year-old picture in my head was this small, stuffed dog. A German Shepherd named Nero, because I called him that after my grandparents' dog.  The stuffed version of Nero had a blue, 1st place ribbon on his chest. He must have been a showdog. I have no idea where he came from. As I pitter-pattered, I carried Nero in my hand. Room-to-room, exploring and examining the surroundings, the sound of my parents' and my big brother's voice coming in and out of focus. The part of this memory or dream or com

I want to blog again. But I always seem to be stuck. Re-reading some of my old posts the other day made me realize that I always write about the same things. The worst part is that these things are things that I dislike about my life. Even more terrifying, as indicated by the timeline of my previous posts, these things have been bothering me for a very long time.  So now, I want to tell my "voice" to grow up. The only crappy relationship I would like to address now for the first (and hopefully last) time is the one I have with myself. What I needed previously and still need to find for real, is my self-respect. My esteem. My ability to just "be".  And these are my new principles for blogging. No angst-fuelled rambles. Just life, as it is from day-to-day. It's time to take control, and indulge in all experiences, whether they be big or small   (someone brings you kiwiis in an attempt to make your day brighter. Definitely worked). If only I could bottle such a man

- Less Facebook posts - Less junk articles (no money to pay for extra data; see first item) - Less obsessive phone-checking (see first two items; besides, your relationship with your phone is now borderline unhealthy anyway) - Less falling asleep with the computer on (studies show this is terrible for your sleep) - Less impulsive spending - Less jaw-clenching - Less ranting about your relationship - Less taking work personally - Less photos of your face, or your cat's face (with the imperative for more photos of the world around you- for posterity and the appreciation of your life) - Less nail-painting (yikes.) - Less hair-washing (double-yikes) - Less fear of the future unknown - Less comparison of your physical appearance to others (nearly impossible) - Less dread of getting out of bed in the morning - Less wish-making at 11:11 (for wishes you are too lazy/stupid/intimidated to help make come true) - Less fidgeting while listening - Less sugar (obviously) - Less

I would definitely be the biggest liar if I said that as a  person in her mid-twenties I have learned everything about who I am and am entirely confident about it. I know there are many people who maybe don't feel the same, and if this is true I am envious. I have found that trying to reach that end-all, be-all of solidifying my identity in this life has been a consistent struggle. And you know, I used to feel angsty about this, wondering why in my twenties I should be as stunted as a fifteen-year-old, feeling confused, awkward and much of the time alone. Cue the Taylor Swift and let me daydream about Edward Cullen or whatever it is these days. And shamefully, it took me up until very recently to figure out that actually, the secret to this continuous internal battle really does come in the form of the redundant, cliche and somewhat simplistic notion of being yourself . I also realized recently, through a series of both successes and disappointments, that the most important comp

And so, because watching indie films on Netflix+ a bottle of wine + cleaning out one's closet equals a brief moment of clarity, I will finally be composing a blog entry that has been about six days in the works. As in, I wanted to say something profound regarding New Year's, but ended up not for various reasons such as: a) writing and then realizing it was shit. b) other people reading it and realizing it was shit (which, eff you, my resolution for this blog is to just write what's really there, sans sugar-coating) c) being in situations where although my brain is thinking about writing, my body is physically unable to conduct such a feat at the time. To be honest, my intentions for how to proceed with the New Year are very vague and not really itemized. Typically, I am one to take every opportunity for new beginnings, with things like my birthday becoming pinnacles for new progressions towards self-improvement and a change in attitude that will eventually make me hap

It's weird, most nights I figure I can't sleep because I'm stressed or depressed. And yet, tonight, although I do have some things weighing on my mind, I can't sleep because I am enthusiastic about myself, and generally happy with life despite everything. I know so many of my blog posts are either vague or superficial, and that's because I want to tell you all about me without giving too much away. Seriously, I know, this doesn't make any sense because a blog is meant to not even be shared, but rather... exposed . And so, that is how I will try to approach it from now on. In late September, I ended a two-year relationship. Like, REALLY ended it. Things were about a year past being frustrating, and though I tried very hard to remedy the feeling, I felt stuck. At a "dead-end" to be the most generic and unoriginal as possible. I told him to give me back my apartment keys and leave. And so he did, and never looked back. The only time I saw him after