Monday, December 2, 2013

101 Ways to Deal With Disappointment

I would definitely be the biggest liar if I said that as a  person in her mid-twenties I have learned everything about who I am and am entirely confident about it. I know there are many people who maybe don't feel the same, and if this is true I am envious. I have found that trying to reach that end-all, be-all of solidifying my identity in this life has been a consistent struggle.

And you know, I used to feel angsty about this, wondering why in my twenties I should be as stunted as a fifteen-year-old, feeling confused, awkward and much of the time alone. Cue the Taylor Swift and let me daydream about Edward Cullen or whatever it is these days. And shamefully, it took me up until very recently to figure out that actually, the secret to this continuous internal battle really does come in the form of the redundant, cliche and somewhat simplistic notion of being yourself. I also realized recently, through a series of both successes and disappointments, that the most important component to being yourself is to also know yourself.

And yes, this all seems like common sense to anyone with half of a brain (which I never implied to have). Because we have been thrown this phrase all our lives, in every medium and by practically every person ever. For every possible life problem, this is always the proposed solution, like a magic wand that with one sweep can take ALL the lame away.

BUT, when someone tells you to "be yourself", it becomes counterintuitive because someone else is telling you how you should be, without knowing what your "self" is. Only you can determine what your "self" is.

So then it follows that being yourself is actually just to know yourself; and in knowing yourself, it literally doesn't matter how others perceive you. This of course doesn't hold in particular situations in which social standards are implemented, as in with work, etc. But DUH once again as long as you know who are at all times, you never need to truly lose yourself in lieu of these things.

The flip side is that, if you DO allow outside influences to dictate who and what you are, you risk believing in things about you that aren't even true! I have had people tell me I am incapable, I am inadequate, even that I am selfish (which, let it not go unsaid, everyone actually IS to various degrees). And the difference between how it affected me before and how it affects me now, is that I realize that I KNOW I am certain things and not other things.

The point is that it took a very long time for all of this to come to me naturally. I have absolutely allowed so many times what people have said, thought or implied about me outweigh what I already know to be true about myself. And to come to a point in life where such a phenomenon is laugh-able has brought me that much closer to being my true self. So YA, just KNOW it and BE it and all that because the alternative is just plain dumb.

And now let me blog about things that have nothing to with boys or other such sad musings.


T. xoxo.

Sunday, January 6, 2013

2013 and We're Still Here

And so, because watching indie films on Netflix+ a bottle of wine + cleaning out one's closet equals a brief moment of clarity, I will finally be composing a blog entry that has been about six days in the works. As in, I wanted to say something profound regarding New Year's, but ended up not for various reasons such as:

a) writing and then realizing it was shit.
b) other people reading it and realizing it was shit (which, eff you, my resolution for this blog is to just write what's really there, sans sugar-coating)
c) being in situations where although my brain is thinking about writing, my body is physically unable to conduct such a feat at the time.

To be honest, my intentions for how to proceed with the New Year are very vague and not really itemized. Typically, I am one to take every opportunity for new beginnings, with things like my birthday becoming pinnacles for new progressions towards self-improvement and a change in attitude that will eventually make me happier. This is manifested in a literal list, written in one of my many notebooks, and of course never reflected upon again until it is too late.

This year I haven't written down a single ambition. In a culture where we typically endeavour to lose weight, make more money, find true love and harness the meaning of happiness on a year-to-year basis, I have only decided that I need to be more of me, in every way I know how. Five days in and it's already been hard, but in this brief moment of clarity, I feel (and hope) that it's just around the corner.

- T.