.M o a r Than a Wo m an.

As a teenager, one of my biggest fears was an airborne disease that would wreak havoc on the world as we knew it.  Back then, SARS was a thing, and some other weird things that I can't remember happened that year that brought me to my naiive, self-absorbed and dysfunctional little knees one afternoon while watching CNN.  I was overwhelmed. I asked my mother why it felt like the entire world was collapsing. The drama. ...and now, look where we are. It's 2022, baby - literally any fucking thing goes. - T.

For some reason, I have this vivid childhood something - I feel like it was a dream, obviously it was a dream. But then why does it feel like a memory? It goes like this. Suddenly, my eyes open, and I start to pitter-patter around my house. I know I must have been very young, because I was in the first house I had ever lived, and my parents were together. I had started in my old room- maybe there was a wooden crib and maybe there wasn't, but the real anchor to this almost 30-year-old picture in my head was this small, stuffed dog. A German Shepherd named Nero, because I called him that after my grandparents' dog.  The stuffed version of Nero had a blue, 1st place ribbon on his chest. He must have been a showdog. I have no idea where he came from. As I pitter-pattered, I carried Nero in my hand. Room-to-room, exploring and examining the surroundings, the sound of my parents' and my big brother's voice coming in and out of focus. The part of this memory or dream or com...

I want to blog again. But I always seem to be stuck. Re-reading some of my old posts the other day made me realize that I always write about the same things. The worst part is that these things are things that I dislike about my life. Even more terrifying, as indicated by the timeline of my previous posts, these things have been bothering me for a very long time.  So now, I want to tell my "voice" to grow up. The only crappy relationship I would like to address now for the first (and hopefully last) time is the one I have with myself. What I needed previously and still need to find for real, is my self-respect. My esteem. My ability to just "be".  And these are my new principles for blogging. No angst-fuelled rambles. Just life, as it is from day-to-day. It's time to take control, and indulge in all experiences, whether they be big or small   (someone brings you kiwiis in an attempt to make your day brighter. Definitely worked). If only I could bottle such a man...

- Less Facebook posts - Less junk articles (no money to pay for extra data; see first item) - Less obsessive phone-checking (see first two items; besides, your relationship with your phone is now borderline unhealthy anyway) - Less falling asleep with the computer on (studies show this is terrible for your sleep) - Less impulsive spending - Less jaw-clenching - Less ranting about your relationship - Less taking work personally - Less photos of your face, or your cat's face (with the imperative for more photos of the world around you- for posterity and the appreciation of your life) - Less nail-painting (yikes.) - Less hair-washing (double-yikes) - Less fear of the future unknown - Less comparison of your physical appearance to others (nearly impossible) - Less dread of getting out of bed in the morning - Less wish-making at 11:11 (for wishes you are too lazy/stupid/intimidated to help make come true) - Less fidgeting while listening - Less sugar (obviously) - Less ...

I would definitely be the biggest liar if I said that as a  person in her mid-twenties I have learned everything about who I am and am entirely confident about it. I know there are many people who maybe don't feel the same, and if this is true I am envious. I have found that trying to reach that end-all, be-all of solidifying my identity in this life has been a consistent struggle. And you know, I used to feel angsty about this, wondering why in my twenties I should be as stunted as a fifteen-year-old, feeling confused, awkward and much of the time alone. Cue the Taylor Swift and let me daydream about Edward Cullen or whatever it is these days. And shamefully, it took me up until very recently to figure out that actually, the secret to this continuous internal battle really does come in the form of the redundant, cliche and somewhat simplistic notion of being yourself . I also realized recently, through a series of both successes and disappointments, that the most important comp...

And so, because watching indie films on Netflix+ a bottle of wine + cleaning out one's closet equals a brief moment of clarity, I will finally be composing a blog entry that has been about six days in the works. As in, I wanted to say something profound regarding New Year's, but ended up not for various reasons such as: a) writing and then realizing it was shit. b) other people reading it and realizing it was shit (which, eff you, my resolution for this blog is to just write what's really there, sans sugar-coating) c) being in situations where although my brain is thinking about writing, my body is physically unable to conduct such a feat at the time. To be honest, my intentions for how to proceed with the New Year are very vague and not really itemized. Typically, I am one to take every opportunity for new beginnings, with things like my birthday becoming pinnacles for new progressions towards self-improvement and a change in attitude that will eventually make me hap...

It's weird, most nights I figure I can't sleep because I'm stressed or depressed. And yet, tonight, although I do have some things weighing on my mind, I can't sleep because I am enthusiastic about myself, and generally happy with life despite everything. I know so many of my blog posts are either vague or superficial, and that's because I want to tell you all about me without giving too much away. Seriously, I know, this doesn't make any sense because a blog is meant to not even be shared, but rather... exposed . And so, that is how I will try to approach it from now on. In late September, I ended a two-year relationship. Like, REALLY ended it. Things were about a year past being frustrating, and though I tried very hard to remedy the feeling, I felt stuck. At a "dead-end" to be the most generic and unoriginal as possible. I told him to give me back my apartment keys and leave. And so he did, and never looked back. The only time I saw him after ...

WHAT I WANT MY 25TH BIRTHDAY TO LOOK LIKE: One Dreamy McDreamerson and a birthday cake. PLUS  One party of irresponsible, British teenagers? Well, not quite. But you know what I mean. WHAT MY 25TH BIRTHDAY MIGHT *ACTUALLY* LOOK LIKE: Self-explanatory. PLUS POP AND CHIPS, YO! Love, T. xoxo

It hardly ever makes sense to set my alarm for 6:30. Though a logical time for me to wake, in order to shower, style my hair, do my makeup and go through the pain of choosing today's sad excuse for "business casual", I will most likely reset it for 6:45. Then 7:00. Then after that I'll lay in bed and listen to the news, if I'm lucky. Sometimes I have to go to the washroom, though, or the cat is begging to cuddle me to death behind my malfunctioning bedroom door. Much of the time, the reasons to stay in bed and close my eyes to the world often outweigh the reasons to roll out of the warmth and dreamy-ness. Go to work, check my phone neurotically, wonder endlessly about the direction my entire life will take. It helps, perhaps, to approach every day as the first of the rest of your life. -T

It's on nights like these, when there's no one left to talk to, that I take to my blog. Only, most of the time I don't publish, because what I want to say, I ultimately decide to keep to myself. Currently, I feel snuffed out. I think I'm either on the verge of breakdown or alternatively, revolution. It's certainly tense. Anyway, I'm back again, in the most unceremonius way possible. Based on a simple recommendation from a friend, I share with you a song from my top ten. Top ten with lyrics that is, since instrumental would require yet another list. Don't ask me to explain the vid. Just listen! -T.  

When it comes to looking back It's a terrible habit indeed When you reminisce about he who lacked and could not suit your needs It's a terrible thought to ponder That you let him(s) get so close And you really begin to wonder Why the fuck it was he(s) you chose. He(s) said you were a different person And perhaps this fact became true Particularly when he(s) spoke of ANOTHER person(s) Instead of focusing on you. Why should he(s) deserve who you really are When this whole time you tried to be you, He(s) imagined others with which he'd go far Not giving a shit about what he could lose His('s) easily swayed attention was less than a desirable trait, Affecting one's own self-perception And breeding an impeccable hate You don't get to see past the gate When you're too busy with your head up your arse Altering my psychological state and treating my feelings as farce. but alas, it was all over ages ago Dark times and lame lads behind My real self now only will show ...

Alright, it's time to start this shiznit up again. In part, it's because I am currently infuriated by the complete dysfunction of my current living situation. In another part, it's because one section of my life is coming to a close and almost as quickly another is beginning. Any kind of creative outlet might help to alleviate some of the anxieties that come along with not being a student and being forced to become an adult. Growing pains. Cleverrr. So what do I think about finally putting on the classic pencil skirt-blouse-blazer combo and marching out the door only to be stuffed onto a public vehicle nose-to-nose with other people who had no idea their degree would lead to such an undignified mode of transportation? It's not bad. I still have trouble getting up in the morning, particularly because I'm blinded as soon as I turn on the light. I don't get it, because I used to have to wake up at 6am every during high school just to catch the damn bus. I feel mild...

Definition of SWEET 1 a (1) : pleasing to the taste 2 a : pleasing to the mind or feelings : agreeable, gratifying —often used as a generalized term of approval b : marked by gentle good humor or kindliness c : fragrant d (1) : delicately pleasing to the ear or eye (2) : played in a straightforward melodic style e : saccharine, cloying f : very good or appealing 3 : much loved : dear 4 a : not sour, rancid, decaying, or stale : wholesome b : not salt or salted : fresh c : free from excessive acidity —used especially of soil d : free from noxious gases and odors e : free from excess of acid, sulfur, or corrosive salts Sundays are my only days off as it is; I work a few times during the week, and when I'm not doing that, I'm on campus, learning things about Shakespeare most people will probably never know or even care to know about in their lifetime. The main issue with my lack of blogging is that week days strike me as mundane, unin...

While I was out killing myself in an attempt to jog yesterday, I was listening to the radio on my ipod. There was a commercial for LottoMax, a sweet-ass lottery whose jackpot was 25 million. I'm convinced we all do the same thing when we start to think about what we would do if we won the lottery. We think of the immediate things we'd take care of. Then we think of all the things we want to do, but never really imagined possible without money. We run away with the possibilities, we lose ourselves. As I head to work for my evening shift, I stop at the mall for a few of my basic things. Body wash, razors, bus tickets. And while I contemplate how on Earth I will afford myself after I graduate, I buy a LottoMax ticket. Suddenly, my mind fills with something not quite euphoric, because I haven't won my $25 million yet. Instead I slip off into a cozy world where a warm and fuzzy feeling fills me up. I've paid off my university tuition. I've stopped living with family memb...

And believe me when I say that I understand it is impossible to encapsulate all that falls under this category in one, or even one THOUSAND posts. Even in my hearing about and stumbling upon the strange things that exist on the big and scary interwebs, I'm sure I haven't even come close to the ugly underbelly that lies ahead of those who actually SEARCH for these things. Subject of focus? 4chan. I know this is nothing new for many (ye be judged!), but what in the world IS this?! Well, according to the description one finds on Google after typing this curious term into its search engine, it is merely the "largest English imageboard on the web". Ah! But it is SO much more than that. Is this where internet memes are born, or is it where they go to die?! Upon clicking to the site from Google, the "recent images" I was subjected to consisted of: One white girl in a native headdress, one half-naked anime girl (99.9% of this site) AND one transexual woman bent in ...

What would you do if your personal abilities were limitless? Today, like most Sundays, my boyfriend and I spent the day together. Movie, lunch and me and him times is pretty much my ideal day, albeit unproductive in other aspects. Still, ANYWAY, We decided that we would watch the film "Limitless", based on some recommendations and some comments floating around the web. I feel like the film itself must have been poorly marketed or whatever, since it's not in the top five this week and I also didn't really hear much about it until recently. What this post is REALLY about, however, is the central concept of the movie. Edward Morra (Bradley Cooper) is presented with a clear pill that opens up the percentage of the human brain that usually goes unused. Even though this statement was immediately debunked by my boyfriend (a connoisseur of miscellaneous information), Edward the bum of an unsuccessful writer becomes motivated, tidy, clean, successful, highly intelligent and ev...

So, aside from the obvious, I find that my time in the shower tends to be devoted to the contemplation of life's most complicated matters. For some reason some of the deepest thinking I do takes place under a stream of hot water, almost like a state of hypnotism; I soul-search, I ponder, I resolve! Sometimes a thesis for an essay will pop into my brain and I will then curse because I have no pen and paper for which to write this fleeting moment of brilliance down. Other times, I will mull over a world issue or some sort of controversy with someone I know and formulate a strong stance on the subject for which I can later present. Today, I was thinking about myself in a very psychoanalytical type of way. Stemming from thoughts of my adorable boyfriend, I got to thinking about past relationships and their effects on my psyche. Sometimes I think about this when I wonder why I have the insecurities that sometimes plague me. The main problem, or at least what *I* thought was the problem ...

This post is about scars. Today, at some point, I was thinking about scars. Everyone has them. One scar is from aimlessly tumbling down a ditch in childhood. Another one on my knee was acquired from falling on ice. My favourite knee scar is comprised of three parts- 1) the long remnants of a botched incision, 2) a hole in the kneecap and 3) two little "x" shaped things above aforementioned incision. The story- at the age of fifteen, I was having the time of my life. My friends and I left school property to hang at a park. I ran and ran and laughed and laughed and rode the swing and jumped and soooooooared through the air and then landed, hard. Nothing about me has ever been the same since. They reconstructed a ligament in my right knee. I like to think the scar signifies a sort of bravery- repeated needles, an epidural, a night in a lonely hospital bed, hallucinating by way of injected morphine doses. How badass. There is a small scar on my eyelid that only *I* can notice, w...

If you're anything like me, you might find yourself struggling to show people who you are as opposed to being pushed over. With a few crazy days at work and a handful of unnecessary complications at my post-secondary institution (not to mention just life in a general sense), it is becoming more and more apparent to me that I actually do have to "raise my voice", so to speak- in order to be heard. Now, I guess I can see why people have a hard time not being condescending in my presence- being a woman of short stature and youthful appearance (oh, you!), it is not unusual that I face everyday difficulties ranging from a customer questioning my validity as a cashier to being I.D.'d when ordering a Caesar (my FAVOURITE!) at a restaurant or bar or what have you. Even so, the truth is that I am a 23 year old WOMAN who is literally on the cusp of venturing out into the big, bad world of so-called reality. There should be nothing holding me back from taking life by the balls. ...

I cannot believe I've been sitting in this classroom for an hour and a half. My bladder is full of coffee and sports drink, my gum is getting stale. I has to pee!!! What have I been up to lately? It's weird, when people ask me that question. On the surface, I can't say "Oh, you know, performing in a traveling circus". Really, the only consistent activities my body has been actively participating in lately is school, work, and hanging with my partner with a sprinkle of yoga classes. Internally however, I am like a roller coaster. I can't be the one only one who endures this daily craziness, where your mind races over all the things you have to do between now and the future. There's also the odd days where my good friend Productivity is nowhere to be found, and I just want to lay in bed watching X-Files all day. I of course want to say that I will update my blog daily or atleast a couple of times a week, but I feel like my attention span is way too all over ...